There are lots of negative associations with positive affirmations. An episode of Sex and the City always comes to mind. In “Unoriginal Sin,” Charlotte, in hopes of believing in love again, attends a self-help program that encourages positive affirmations. There’s a scene of her scrawling an affirmation on her bathroom mirror in red lipstick, her eyes intensely possessed upon what she’s written. She goes back to the seminar with Carrie, an affirmations skeptic, and the program leader hastily brushes off Charlotte’s concerns about finding love by saying, “keep doing your affirmations and love will come to you.” Like simply saying you want something makes it appear or that affirmations are an empty routine; like brushing your teeth, you simply need to go through the motions.
It’s these images that make affirmations appear cultish and aimless- a group of people gathered in a room strongly stating that they accept themselves. Or the image of Saturday Night Live’s Stuart Smalley, privately staring in the mirror, reminding himself that “doggone it, people like me.” Affirmations conjure images of lonely, desperate folks who anchor themselves to happy words as a way of coping with their problems. On the other end of the spectrum are images of naïve, happy-go-lucky people, blissfully going about their day. They create the misconception that affirmations are silly because they’re based in thought, rather than action. It seems too easy for our cultural “sweat until you get it,” “live to work” mentality.
Truthfully, ease and expression are part of what makes positive affirmations a stand-by among holistic circles. At the heart of positive thinking is the law of attraction (also known as the law of similars)- like attracts like. What you sow, you shall reap. The energy that you put out to the world is what is going to come back to you. Thought precedes action. We’ve all experienced this in some way. You wake up cranky and it happens to be raining out…then you stub your toe coming out of the bathroom… then you spill coffee…then you’re late to work…and you take it out on a loved one…or yourself…and so on and so forth. And this is simply short term. Consider big dreams, big desires and how you’re negative thoughts contribute to the obstacles you manifest.
I encourage affirmations as a gateway. As with most things, you have to meet what you want halfway. It doesn’t solve your problem completely, but it solves your attachment to the problem. It dissipates negative energy you’re inviting into your space. It’s a starting point, the origin toward feeling better. Nothing is solved through negative thinking. There’s this notion that by keeping a negative thought with you is a way to control its outcome; Quite the opposite. Holding onto it invites it into our space and the more attention we give it, the more we feed the very outcome we dread.
We laugh at the image of Stuart Smalley because he looks goofy and kind of dumb, but it’s in part because the idea of doing this for ourselves is uncomfortable. For many people, looking in the mirror back at oneself and wholly accepting the person and image before them is as repulsive an act as a root canal…without anesthesia. We feel stupid. But the only person around to laugh at you is…you. I’ll be honest, I don’t start my days with looking in the mirror and saying something positive, but I try to pepper my day with positive statements, particularly when doubt rears its ugly head. Throughout my New Zealand journey, I was just beginning to dip my toes into the waters of self-acceptance and would take time throughout the day to celebrate one thing I liked about myself or change a negative thought about a situation into something positive I was learning from it. Damn, did that make a difference. With this new personal shift, I’ve started doing the same.
The truth is, we always have the tools with which we can unburden ourselves from the obstacles we create. The choice is whether or not we use them. We’re always capable of making life easier on ourselves, beginning with our thoughts and feelings. Affirmations are one tool we can keep in our back pocket.
So how do we know that our affirmations are positive? Feel it. What gets lots in the mix is that you may think you’re being positive about something, but in actuality your feelings hum a different tune than your words. Saying out loud, "I am financially secure" is different than feeling it in your gut…really, truly feeling secure and letting go any attachment to financial worry. Speaking it should make you feel good. Your feelings should change. You’re not forcing a change; you’re letting the truth of the statement vibrate from a different, positive place. It should make you feel lighter. This should be your first test- does it give you a warm, comforting feeling in your stomach?
The next criterion in keeping it positive is making sure your word choice creates the warm feeling. First, your affirmation should never start with I don’t want… This is immediately negative because you’re focusing on the lack of something, rather than the gain. Want can be a tricky word, as its subtext can be the absence something. The original use of the word, for want of (something), meant deficiency or lack and eventually changed into how we use it today, as an indication of need or desire. I like to use words like “welcome,” “invite,” “accept” or “I’m open” which leave room to be surprised, which open you up to new experiences and fresh energy. It is absolutely positive to desire, to want, to expect good things to come your way, but just make sure the word is positively associated with the belief you’ll get it, rather than the negative, demanding need for it.
I love using weight loss as an example, a frequent obstacle for folks, often rooted in negative thoughts. A bad affirmation would be something like, “I want to lose weight.” First, it’s based in the negative; you have a body you don’t like and you’re focusing on the lack of what you have rather than what you already have. Second, it doesn’t feel good to say out loud. When I say out loud, “I want to lose weight,” I focus on how poorly I feel about my current figure, that I don’t have the body I desire and all the ways in which I failed to get it. It fills my stomach with anxiety, and a heavy leaden feeling…like I’ve just added a few more pounds to that backpack I’m carrying.
A positive affirmation would be, “I accept my body in all its beauty. I nurture my body inside and out.” Yes! When I say this out loud, a smile can’t help but take over my face. Suddenly it’s not about what I don’t have, but what I do have. Instead of focusing on what’s not there, I am celebrating what is there. Just the verb “accept” creates a warm, sunny feeling in my stomach. It feels like doors are opening. Possibilities are there to be grabbed. The alternative phrase, “I want to lose weight” creates an immediate energetic obstacle, like a giant grand piano falling in front of you as you’re walking. Test yourself- take a topic on which you’ve been focusing. Create a phrase that makes you feel crappy and change it to get that radiant, buoyant feeling. You know you’re on the right track if it makes you smile.
Another helpful tip is faking it. Continuing with the example of weight loss, what do you do if you get that great feeling…and then it quickly goes away? There’s a few options here: keep repeating it until it really takes hold or fake the feeling until it grabs you in a real way. There’s nothing wrong with a little pretending. Act as if you’ve already lost the weight. Go about your day like you’ve already accomplished your goal. Another option is to follow up your thought with action, if it feels right. Once you’ve affirmed and feel good, put it into practice. Nurture yourself with strawberries, buy an article of clothing that reminds you of your beauty…pamper yourself. When in doubt, say it, feel it and walk away. Simply switching your thought is another way to keep the positive feeling in your space. Visualize something that brings you joy and focus on that, rather than your issue at hand. If it’s money, for example, affirm, “I am financially secure. I welcome a flow of abundance into my life” and then think about that great vacation you took, your favorite part of your kitchen, a treasured possession or someone you love. Take your mind off of the topic.
Affirmations are a way to give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to be your greatest ally. If you’re not the first person to encourage you, to champion your goals and give yourself a much needed compliment, who will? Remember, things don’t always come in the form we expect, but they nonetheless come with gifts.
EXERCISES
* Make a list of all the things you love about yourself. For goodness sakes, don't edit yourself and feel good writing it down!
* Write down three of your concerns and three positive affirmations to say out loud when they arise (I’m happy to let you know if you’re on the right path with your wording).
* Write someone a letter as if you’ve achieved and received what you desire. For example, if you want a job in a new field, write a letter to your best friend expressing that they hired you, all the things to which you’re looking forward, what your plans are to celebrate, etc. Treat it like it’s already happened and that any concerns you have are resolved. (No need to actually send it...they might be confused ;)
(note: I highly recommend Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting, by Lynn Grabhorn. Accessibly written and inspiring, she provides more information on the Law of Attraction.)
image via wikipedia.
Recent Comments